The State of the Garden Address

By Nick Stakelum | Editor, Dothan Magazine

My fellow gardeners:

As we gather in the checkout lines of local garden centers during the months of May and June let’s all pause for a moment to reflect on the mission of hope and change on which we embarked two short months ago. Springtime is always full of promise for a better yard through the beautiful flowerbeds of tomorrow. While we are standing here holding a bag of Weed-B-Gone, hot and sweaty from our third trip to the store today, we can be assured that our investment in a brighter future for our lawns and gardens will be worth the sacrifice we make in time and effort for the property values of our homes.

[pause for standing ovation... gaze majestically over the heads of the audience, wait for telepromter and continue...]

But to paraphrase one of our founding documents – a document which is nearly as important as this address – we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all gardeners are not created equal, that we unfortunate few are cursed by our Creator with strife, lost liberty and a yard of crappiness because we can’t keep a bunch of stupid plants alive.

To achieve sustained plant and vegetable growth we must begin to search for alternative sources of green technologies. “Dig, baby, dig” is a campaign slogan, not a viable solution to the demands of longterm gardening for the horticulturally-challenged. To this end, at my wife’s suggestion, I made a significant family investment in a box-garden kit of peppers and vegetables from a local corporate retailer. The cat is now using it as a litter box. Let me be clear: you’ll want to avoid my wife’s homemade salsa this year.

[pause for effect... find wife in front row... give her an emotional thumbs up, hold for applause and continue...]

There are some who say that the best days of my garden are in the past; that I’m presiding over a lawn in decline. This may be true for those who bitterly cling to their plows and farmer’s almanacs. But I see it as an opportunity for renewed agronomic growth by outsourcing much of the labor to that kid down the street who stuck a flyer on my windshield. Stand up, Billy, let everyone see you.

[hold for applause as the TV cameras focus in on the kid, allow four seconds, then continue]

In conclusion, my fellow gardeners, the issue is now in your hands… quite literally, actually, as this issue of Dothan Magazine features several articles about the folks in Dothan’s lawn and garden community, in addition to all of the regular (and irregular) content you’ve come to expect from us. I’d like to leave you now with the eternal words of the noble Knights Who Say ‘Ni’:

“We want… a shrubbery!”